Myla is starting to smile at things that she likes, its so cute. Yesterday she smiled at her dad for the first time, today she smiled at the dog. She smiles at me, especially when she sees she's about to be fed, she smiles at the tv and other bright lights. I can't get a picture of it though! As soon as she sees the camera, her smile disappears. Little brat :P
It's the most beautiful thing in the world though :) I love her gorgeous smile. She's already so happy and full of light. I was blessed with an amazing little girl.
Today I am going to take her to the hospital with me to see my friend who had her adorable little boy earlier this week :) It seems like so many people are having babies right now.
Sometimes I feel like its not fair that my little girl had to stay in the hospital for so long while other women get to take their babies home the next day or two days after. And they complain about having to "be there so long". It makes me so upset. I just want to shake them and yell at them to be quiet. At least they got their babies in their rooms with them. At least they didn't have to go home without their little ones every night. They didn't have to feel guilty because they were just so tired and worn out that they didn't make it up to the hospital one night. It just doesn't seem fair at all. Why me? Why Myla? Why did I have to get sick??? I did nothing wrong! I see pregnant women drinking energy drinks, eating tons of junk, chugging soda after soda, never working out or taking care of themselves, yet they get to have normal deliveries and take their babies home right away. How is that fair?
I drank lots of water, went to school 4 days a week, worked out, took care of myself and my home, tried to keep my junk and sweets to a minimum even though thats all I was craving, and still my body failed me.
I look in the mirror and I see my scar, I see the tiny red stretch marks covering my thighs and butt, and they scream at me "Failure! Failure!!" They tell me how my body gave up, how my own body started to reject my baby. I think of my giant swollen ankles, the fact that I couldn't have a regular birth like I wanted to, the fact that my poor sweet baby had to be born 37 days before her due date because of my body. Because of me she had to struggle. She should only be 3 days old now, not 40 :( There is nothing I can do about it now except love her that much more because I know what its like to lose her a little. We've been through lots of struggles and hard times already, and it makes me appreciate every single day that I have with my sweet heart.
On to another subject- I feel like my house is being overtaken by spiders! I have seen 4 on my ceiling, two in my bed (one of them bit me!), one crawling on my arm a few days ago, one on my glasses this morning, and a huge one on my patio door. Eww! And its barely even summer yet. So nasty.
I hope everyone is having a wonderful day, and I hope there are no spiders in your beds (yuck!)
Consider yourself loved,
Pamela
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